Fear… what a motivator. And a reminder of the passions, desires and longings that have been shoved deep inside of me for a very long time.
Questions coming up… other feelings coming up. Nothing is stopping me… only thing is potentially stopping myself, but everything is moving forward now and it’s something I have been wanting to do for a lifetime.
This part of my journey is just the beginning. I am staying at my first location in West Palm Beach, Florida with some friends and I finally have a moment of inner and outer peace happening. Taking time to just be in the moment and with my friends.
As I sit here writing this on Thanksgiving Day. There is not any chaos around me. It’s been a long time since this was true, so I am soaking it in. I am so grateful for my life and all that is changing.
As I feel these changes happening, I take time to grieve them. This is all new and as I started out about, it has its challenging moments of fear.
Feeling the fear… doing it anyway. Walking through the process. Thinking about all the love I have in my life. Beautiful.
The rest of the day was awesome. I got to meet some amazing people who were full of love, eat some amazing food and I am so grateful for the opportunity. This is different from what I usually do for Thanksgiving, and I enjoyed myself incredibly.
Today, 11/26, the day my grandmother was born 113 years ago. At least she would have been. She died in 2007.
My grandmother was the woman who inadvertently taught me about the power, strength and persistence I have in me.
It took me a lot longer for me to realize this in my life; it is being realized. She challenged me in ways that I couldn’t deal with when I was younger and had also passed her buried traumas to me unknowing, subconsciously and painfully, for me, growing up. The traumas with which she dealt with in her life made these things available to me.
My grandmother was a beautiful soul and I am honored to have been raised by her. She gave me who I am finding today.
Nothing really eventful today. Found another possibility in relation to the car that I am looking at and will update with as soon as I know. Also went to spend a couple of days with a friend. Knowing I continue to find something deeper about myself as I go.
Today, 11/27, I woke up with a feeling I cannot describe. I ended up listening to Sarah Blondin, who does meditations and speaks like a soft breeze licking at my skin. Such a gentle voice and spirit, she talks about nurture self. Something that most of us never learn to do. My enjoyment of listening lies in the fact that no matter what I hear, it touches something so deep inside of me and shifts anything that is coming to the surface for me to witness that doesn’t feel especially good in the moment.
Listen love deep inside,
And find what it is you’ve been trying to hide,
There is something inside of you way down deep,
That wants to be seen and then tries to keep,
Your deepest self, hidden away,
In case of external judgment, hidden in depths of disarray.
Wanting to be seen is that tiny being,
That never understood just what she was seeing,
She never learned to love herself,
She just put the soul upon a shelf,
That even when she desperately wanted to be seen,
The self-judgment she felt, caused falling into a ravine.
Now as an adult, there are times this comes up,
Where we feel as though we must disrupt,
This pattern we held for so long,
That kept us safe yet wanting to belong.
This was confusing until she started to find,
Inside all along were the answers, enshrined,
She heard the voices, “Remember me,”
And went on the journey that was meant to be,
She learned to isolate when she felt alone,
That was not the answer, “How do I come home?”
There is a piece down deep in her heart,
Where she came up for air for a brand-new start.
In doing this experiment to see what she would find,
She has started to uncover the depth of the mind,
And sees that these thoughts of judgment and pain,
Got her to the point, she chose to know herself again.
So waking today to this world all aglow,
From the sun shining on her life, she begins to glow,
There is still an underlying piece of the unknown,
That tackles her down in moments when alone.
She sits with those feelings and feels the depth of that fear,
And considers that it’s time to hold herself and see clear,
Not being taught how self-love feels or looks,
She now finds ways to remember her nooks.
The ones that for so long she refused to see,
And under no circumstance wanted to foresee,
The fact that there she was all along,
Knowing she could be and do because she is strong.
She is finding the brave deep inside her heart,
And heading on a journey, her life, a new start,
There are still things in there, that scare her, she sees,
And continues to move forward, that this is what’s meant to be.
Deep down in the depths of her beautiful soul,
She is discovering the lies from what she was told,
There surely is a way, in loving who she is,
That deep from her soul this new journey begins.
Poems are a huge part of my expression sometimes the energy of what I am feeling comes out in the poem as I share my journey within the poem. I know deep in my heart that no matter what fears I have going on, I am persistent about connecting deeply with myself and my Soul and that is one of the reasons for The Ride of My Life.