Ok, this is a big deal. It’s not easy for me to be so transparent and to share my story. I have been in isolation and protection mode for a really long time.
I am being diligent about walking through the fear of all of this. This is so important.
Lots of things stirring, some stress rising to the surface and big changes on the horizon, although I have no clue, fully what they are. My crystal ball was lost a while ago. Sometimes I wish I did know but then where would be the fun or the adventure of the unknown? Haha
I was up again early on Monday morning, 11/22. I slept for a little while and then that was it, I woke up at one and was up until 5. I managed to go back to sleep for another hour and a half. I had just been working through this part of moving my stuff into storage by fitting everything in my car. Hahaha
It is really putting me through a test here.
I have been using all of my self-help tools to get through this. I’m ok until I start to think. Then it’s game over.
So today is the ride back down to South Florida to spend time with friends and family for Thanksgiving week and get prepared for the next leg of the journey.
My next step with the car: connect with the carpenter. He was supposed to call and didn’t. One of my reactions has been that when I don’t hear from someone, my old belief kicks in that “no one is there for me.” It’s certainly not as bad as it was in the past because I know that is bull pocky, but, nevertheless, it showed up.
And so, I sat with that. Used to, I would go into complete anxiety attack, in “I need to be in control” mode and nothing ever worked when I was in that space. Times have changed, things are different. I waited and had a quick text with him, and I will be talking to him when I get down there.
Turned out to be a long day. It felt like the Universe was testing me at every angle!
The drive to South Florida was uneventful. Once I got into town, I had many things to accomplish in not a lot of time. It’s been a long 48 hours of packing the car, driving, unpacking the car into storage (and I still need to organize everything), shipping some items at the post office…
I have to laugh at this one because here is where things got a little hairy. I couldn’t find my tape and also thought that all of the packages to be shipped had a QR code from an email so I could easily ship them. I took a chance and headed to the post office and found out that, no, I did not have those QR codes and could not ship the first time. Notice, I said the first time. Round 1…
So, I drove back to my friend’s house where I’m staying and ended up unpacking my car to look for the tape! At least the car got unpacked quickly!
Anyway, I did find some other tape and used that, printed out the labels and headed back to the post office into Round 2.
There was an accident at the intersection just prior to the road I need to turn on. I couldn’t get through. I had 20 minutes and ended up having to find a different route to get there.
Yay! I managed to get there with 15 minutes to spare and the woman I spoke to earlier let me bypass the 20-person line up and come up to the window. Done!
The rest of the day kept going and going and finally I was kaput. That was it for me!
By the way, I found the tape after that adventure. And guess where it was…?
In a small bag that I purposely put the tape in so I wouldn’t lose it, sitting there, taunting me, on a chair in the room I’m staying in.
I think I was on overload… ya think?
I already knew this week would be rough in having a lot going on and that was just the 1st day!
Moving into Tuesday, 11/23, working with and going through some emotions on the changes happening and another update on the car.
I finally had the phone call I needed to have with the carpenter. It turns out that I will be waiting a little while to build the platform as it doesn’t fit into the budget I have right now. So, I am looking into alternatives for now that I can still use later on, even with having a platform.
And finally, today (11/24)…
A lot is coming up for me and the healing work continues. In the process of coming to South Florida, I have not done my Starfish exercises. The nausea curtailed the consistency of the exercise. I just didn’t have time to lay down to rest and relieve the nausea.
Hoping to get back to it soon with all that is going on.
Breathing is necessary… deep breathing even more. Just walking through all of this and sitting with the challenging emotions that are coming up.
This morning I had an ah-hah moment once again about my money beliefs.
I want to share what has been coming up for me about this. In order to feel safe and secure (and in control, in the past) I would do things to “buy time.” I had always been in a lack mentality and for years it showed up in the fear, from the trauma and safety/security needs.
It is my thought at this point that this all showing up to remind me again about staying in the moment and gratitude. This is huge in this process.
Also, the mind plays lovely tricks on us to protect us from things outside of ourselves that are dangerous… like a tiger chasing us. In most cases, I would think, at this point in time, there are no tigers chasing us, but that is what this Fight/Flight Stress response was built for… danger.
With the Stress Response in stuck mode, we think everything that doesn’t feel good is dangerous or life threatening. It isn’t, but it can feel that way. Especially from having traumas that have occurred in our life.
In learning about the Retained Moro Reflex or Stress Reflex in infants, and how that all works with these Starfish exercises, that seems to be part of this stress response that I am discovering about myself.
I have gone into this hypervigilance to protect myself from my world crashing in on me. And it has and sometimes still feels like it does. The best way for me to explain this is that my body begins to shake, and my heart rate goes up and it feels like everything is going to just blow up or fall apart.
The fear and trauma caused my body throughout my life, to feel unsafe and so in my need to control what was going on around me through the hypervigilance, I lost track of myself; lost and scared.
And, I have been constantly in the Stress Response… actually for years. That’s what many of us go through.
So now, to walk through this, I just sit with the feeling of fear and do the breathwork and remind myself I am grateful and ok in this moment and this moment is all there is. That is how I work with my mind, telling myself this helps me. The breathwork helps my body calm down.
Little by little, this is all healing for me. I am seeing shifts in all of this.
Changing my thoughts, sitting with the emotions, breathing through, learning about myself, and releasing these beliefs, are changing and recreating my life.
I am grateful and happy to be alive and in the moment.
Today is a good day on The Ride of My Life.