Closer and closer. I am clearing things out, packing, and organizing what I have left. Getting ready for my ride and feeling excited and scared at the same time. Continuing to be on hold with the car setup, but also gathering information on the best and most practical way to do this for how I want to be out on the road.

Yes… that is possible; having more than one feeling at the same time.

The excitement of what’s next, the fear of what’s next AND living in the moment at the same time. It is quite the mental/emotional workout!

It’s really hard to explain what is going on inside of me, in a way, also. This is a complete turn my life upside down and it’s something that is necessary so I can follow my guidance and do what I am here to do.

I am running the gamut of these feelings daily and some stand out more vividly than others. The trauma work is all happening at the same time as the preparations to go out on the road.

I have been known to take on a lot at the same time and this is no different. I know that I can do it, breaking through the years of built-up fears and beliefs is the biggest challenge, along with the stuck energies in my body from the traumas. The full out trauma work is coming in January or so, to which I am looking forward.

Inner Freedom and Peace is very important to me.

I moved into a space of complete grief and sadness as I was finishing up with organizing and gathering the photos and paperwork together to digitize so I can make more room. As I looked at the small pile of bags in front of me, I realized that my entire life was sitting right before my eyes. It saddened me that I was going to be walking through it all again, to make space in my life for freedom.

I felt torn.

Pictures of my children, my father and grandparents and the ancestors before them, along with my mother and other family. All of the things that I have been doing my healing work on will be in front of me in full color (or black and white) to dig deep and go into a part of this journey I really never thought I would be doing.

The release is beyond an important part of my path and the feelings and emotions have been surfacing quickly and powerfully. I am grateful I have done the work I have up until this point, or I probably would not be able to do this.

Loss is a powerful thing and that has been a huge crux of my life. Grieving and healing from all of the losses is where I am now at a deeper in more intense way.

And I welcome it. It is helping me to heal more and more every day.

Part of being down here in South Florida is to meet up with who I am meant to connect with and for closure as well. I am really blessed and grateful to have so many dear friends in my life who are supporting me in different ways on this journey.

I am finally at a point in my life where I can receive all of this love. There was a time where I didn’t think I deserved it.

No more.

Moving into today, 11/29, with love in my heart and a feeling of peace.

No information to be shared yet about the car prep. I feel as though I need to walk through this process I am in before moving onto that. It is waiting for me, I know this.

The depth of this process is already happening, and I haven’t even left yet.

When I talk about the depth of this process, there is again, much loss and grief.

Throughout the day, I felt what I tenderly call “off.” When things just don’t feel right but I can’t put my finger on what is going on.

I started to really feel that in the afternoon and then was hit with an email of a teacher of mine that had died on 11/18 from breast cancer; she had been dealing with it for about a year. I took a course of hers a year ago, so it had probably started for her then as I was taking the course.

The beginning of her journey with breast cancer also occurred during the time that my former partner’s ex-wife was about to go through her end of life from the same thing.

That was such a hard time last year for all of us, especially their daughter, and this brought up some really deep feelings of loss for me in hearing about this teacher. I wanted to cry, yet couldn’t, so I decided to just go out for a bit. I tried to sit with it, but I had been sitting all day working and just needed to get out into some fresh air.

Then, later in the evening, once again, I found out another friend, who was in the hospital, was actually on his way out as well from cancer and died later, last night.

I am in prayer for his family and in grief, once again, for myself. It is definitely bringing up all kinds of things during this experiment on this ride of my life. What a ride this is turning out to be.

I was able to be present to support another friend who has known this man who died last night, for many years. I just happened to be visiting and it isn’t the first time something like this happened where I was already visiting with him, and he received this kind of news.

I am grateful to be able to be available to support.

This is a tough time of year in general for most people. When people we love die, it can be a completely overwhelming.

As I go through what is happening, I also know that my mother’s 3rd anniversary of her death date is coming up in a few weeks as well.

I know I am ok. I continue to carry the grief with me, even while it is going on in front of my face. I know that this is all part of life, and I am learning to deal with it differently. There is a lot of breathing going on and the biggest thing for me is just being with the pain and heartache of it. I have no control, and this is my lesson in that full out.

Today, 11/30, is a day of feeling through everything that is happening and just following my guidance. I have some regular work to do, but I have learned that it’s ok to get lost in the work for a bit, but I must give myself space to feel what is happening, grieve and let go.

This isn’t an easy day AND it is just part of The Ride of My Life. Thank you for being here with me.