Things are actually going really well right now when all is said and done. I am still having some grieving happening, yet it’s not as painful as it was before. It feels like I am walking into a stage of carrying the grief and changes now rather than living in them or worrying about them.
Affirmations are working. Solitude is safe; no more isolating. I feel so much more empowered as each day goes by even if on some days it’s only for a few minutes.
After thinking about all of the above and a discussion with a friend this morning, I realized sometimes we just have to travel on our healing journey alone and that is ok.
I don’t yet know what direction to take this in, so I figured what I would do today was to go back into the poems I have written and will start with some I wrote when I was a kid. I figure this is a good place to start so I can begin to organize everything I have written into some semblance of understanding for me.
I certainly don’t mind sharing, it’s the only way I can find to connect with myself and others. It’s all an adventure…
I was about 10 when I wrote this first one…
How do you like to go up in a swing
Up in the air so blue
Oh, I think it’s the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do
Up in the air and over ‘til
I can see so wide
Rivers and trees and cattle and
All over the countryside.
‘Til I look down on the garden green
Down on the road so brown
Up in the air I go flying again
Up in the air and down
Thoughts: It is obvious to me that I have never changed how I thought about myself and my life. Somehow, things just got stuck in the minutia of living. It became so painful.
Swinging has always been my favorite activity. It’s as close as I could ever get to flying.
Somewhere along my life’s journey I clipped my wings and/or they got clipped. I stopped enjoyed things the same. I was brought so far down that there was only one direction I could go in again. Up.
Someone once told me I was like a butterfly in a fishbowl. That went right to my core when I heard that because that is how I had been feeling as an adult and totally limited my own freedom because of fear and trauma. I pulled all of that inside me and was terrified to go into myself and face it. There were demons there. I wasn’t good enough to live in this world and my life and my situations reflected that.
I have been so scared about what others would think of me. Challenging for someone who wants to be a teacher, mentor, speaker, and to be seen and heard.
It’s taken a lot of deep breaths to walk through these fears. This is just the beginning.
This is why I write this… because this journey is creating an opportunity for me to fly once again.
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