Thoughts for the Moment

 

The wait is the hardest in this moment,

And it is in the wait that I find the truth, my pure truth,

Of who I am and what life brings to me,

We are taught to seek and find and in that we lose ourselves,

Others start to take over with the input of what we should or shouldn’t do,

Only based on their traumas and fears,

Then I, slowly and surely, shut down… me,

Who am I?

There is a deepness to me,

I feel me, I feel you,

I feel the pain of myself, and I feel the pain of others, animals included,

What I now know is that I can’t help or change that pain for anyone, unless they are ready and willing,

I can only help me right now,

No desire on my part for someone else’s healing can shift that,

I am my own,

I am not known,

The world is different,

I am not familiar to people,

Sometimes I feel as though people are repulsed by me,

Particular people, not everyone,

Just the ones I don’t want to be repulsed by, and herein lies a beautiful lesson,

What is that about?

I don’t know… yet, or will I ever really?

Their path is just different, although from lessons, when the paths cross, are painful,

Rejection is hard for me, it has been a story in my life,

I still work through that as I find who cares for me and who doesn’t,

This I can do nothing about,

Other than to discern what is right for me in my life,

And so, I go back to what I can change about me,

No… shift, release…

The story, the lies, the beliefs, the untruths about who I feel I am,

Has been attracting these painful lessons into my life,

I get it, I don’t get it, and then… I get it again,

That is the process as I continue to lose my mind,

Which I’m finding is turning out to be a good thing,

The sit, the wait, is torture to my mind and I am finding that it is necessary,

Having been a Type A personality, in the military, with what I call a Monkey Mind,

Is so completely opposite of where I am right now,

It is time, in this moment, to just wait,

I am ok, I am doing this, and…

I’m still human.