The Deepest Depths

 

To the depths, the deepest depths of the unknown,

Walking through the pain, the shame, deeper and deeper into the abyss,

What is happening? I can only imagine… yet I know,

I also don’t know, the fears are coming up again,

What I do know is that I have been giving myself away all my life,

Just to ensure the other is happy and ok,

To the detriment of me,

The detriment of my soul,

The detriment of my life,

This has withstood the test of time and I can no longer do it,

I am at a shifting point,

It is breaking me open, deeply,

Again, into the abyss, into the deep, dark hole that I had been standing in for years,

Just wide and deep enough to hold my body,

Just tall enough where I couldn’t get out,

Water lapping, all the way up to my chin,

Just enough to keep me stuck in this hole,

The water has left and now I dig myself out,

Finding that the only way out is in,

Into the bosom of my Mother Earth,

The love she holds, the safety, the security,

She… being there to hold me, to protect me, like I have never been protected before,

I lash out, I hurt, I am in a lot of pain,

Also witnessing the moment, coming back to life again,

This world is spinning all around me,

Knowing I don’t fit in and having wanted to be like others,

I can’t, I can’t, I’m not and they don’t understand me and never will,

Thrashing, wailing, crying to get the last vestiges of this pain out with my voice from childhood and life,

Out of me, “OUT! OUT!” I yell,

I’m done with this, I’m ready to live my life,

This void is challenging me more than it ever has,

I am facing the lion, with bared teeth and now baring my teeth,

I am angry, I’ve wasted precious time,

I roar at the lion, the lion roars at me,

He is loud and scary, but wait…

He is telling me something, I strain to listen, not sure what it is,

I begin to hear words come through his roar, he cares, he knows me,

I don’t need to fight this lion, we need to merge,

We do, as he tells me that I get to take care of me,

Be good to me, be gentle with myself, and not to worry what others think about me,

Not all others, just the ones that aren’t ready for me, I can’t save them, yet have always wanted to,

The ones that I wanted to love me, the ones that I loved deeply,

That gift I have of knowing others to their soul, I have found doesn’t work on everyone,

Learning to differentiate who they are I can be there for and guide without losing myself in the process,

I have turned on myself for too long,

Being the safe space for the wrong people to use that safety I provide, to turn on me as well,

A far cry from people turning their back on me,

Which was what happened once they were done with me,

“Throw her away, throw her away, that’s how much she matters to us.”

And that is what it felt like to me.

No more, no more,

Standing up for me so that the wrong people won’t even show up in my life,

The loving, caring, safe space that I can provide will not be taken advantage of anymore,

Bring this to me,

Show me, how this happens for me to not walk into people’s lives who I have no business walking into,

I shift, I turn, I move again in a different direction,

The hummingbird is my guide,

I dart, I look, I feel out, I am aware, I am the hummingbird,

Finding my way to what feeds me,

Turning away from what does not and feeling my joy and love come back into my soul,

Finding the truth of who I am,

As I learn to grieve, forgive and feel the bigness of my soul,

Here I am, now and forever.