Finding Myself

What is happening to me? I do not know,

These painful patterns, have just got to go,

The pain they cause is keeping me stuck,

Desperately trying to get out of the muck.

Excitement and optimism just happened today,

This is so powerful, things are going my way!

I wish these feelings would last for a while,

Things working out and having fun, just makes me smile.

And lately there’ve been days, too many to count,

Where fear and disappointment, I cannot surmount,

These days when these feelings get the best of me,

Feeling like I’m drowning and just wanting to flee.

I am now down into the core of the pain,

From generational trauma, I feel I can no longer contain,

Digging deep into the trenches, here it comes,

Like a swarm of angry bees, I have to succumb.

The feeling of death, as it comes near,

Bringing out my worst and causing the fear,

What happens now, as I don’t know what to do,

Do I run? Do I hide? Or do I break through?

I am learning now to just sit with this pain,

As the waves of nausea come up again,

What does this mean? I just want to run,

My life is in turmoil, I am coming undone.

The turmoil is there for me to heal,

This is happening for, not to me, I feel,

It gives me a chance to break these chains,

Of generational patterns that run through my veins.

The grief and the heartbreak, it’s been for so long,

Causing me to feel like I do not belong,

On this planet, oh great what am I doing here?

This stuff that’s not mine, I carry, is severe.

Learning to sit with myself and hold space,

There is nothing else, I must be still in this place,

Allowing the feelings to rise and to leave,

My chest moves hard, I feel I can’t breathe.

Counter-intuitive response of the day,

Time to breath anyway, to find my way,

Now it’s time to cry and shake,

To let this all go, continue to carry they’re stuff, a mistake.

This is not something meant to be understood,

It must be felt and released to find the good,

Deep inside myself, where it’s always been,

I just couldn’t see or find it and thought I would never win.

I didn’t know why and now I do,

The process it takes is not easy to pursue,

I know it must be done, and days I don’t know how,

But I keep moving through it, I gave myself the vow.

The vow to be persistent, no matter what,

And now the closer to the core issues, I can feel the rut,

I am in and sometimes it doesn’t end,

I reach out for help and try to transcend.

This pain that gets deeper throughout the day,

That doesn’t seem to want to go away,

I know now that as I sit with my little girl,

And release this pain, things start to unfurl.

Wait! I thought this is what I needed to do,

To connect with this truth inside that I never knew,

It is, it is and right now it feels inflamed,

I must feel this, love it and do it anyway.

Persistence and love and abiding grace,

For myself, I now place my hands on my own face,

Holding myself with love, so dear,

Like that little child, to help her walk through the fear.

I love you and everything will be ok,

You are strong and brave and hope that they,

Will understand while I pay attention to you,

To let you know I’m here and help you get through.

You’ve got this, I’ve got this, it can be done,

The clouds may be in the way, yet there is the sun,

That will come out once again and when it does,

You will find yourself and a deep feeling of love.