Diving deep into self today, realizing more and more that the present moment is all there is.

Only the mind is about the past and the future. Staying in the body, in the present moment and healing it is what helps me to live in the moment.

To go through trauma is to be pulled from the body. For many reasons and with many types of traumas.

Also, being taught or learning not to feel feelings takes us out of the body and out of the present.

I cannot even begin to tell you, unless of course you have experienced trauma, what a challenge it is to break free.

The energy of trauma gets stuck in the body. It is all about the body. The body is not only our vehicle in this life, but it also holds our GPS.

Our feelings are the GPS. They need to be felt in the present moment in order to guide us.

Our bodies have an innate knowing… intuition. The guidance system helps us to know.

I listened to some motivational videos while I was exercising. I experienced an ah-hah moment.

While these videos are great to help motivate, they could not help me in the past when I was in the worst of my challenges. I couldn’t hear what they were saying to me; they were not motivating, they were irritating.

I realized, for myself, that from these traumas are the physical feelings of fear in my body that stopped me from moving forward to the point where I was self-sabotaging my success.

But was I doing it intentionally… subconsciously or was there something else going on?

In these workouts, as I am walking on the treadmill or meditating while taking a break between lifting weights, I find that somehow my body is in complete appreciation of what I am doing for it and my mind is getting clearer.

The body holds the trauma, as Dr. Bessel van der Kolk talks about in his book, “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma.

The Body as our vehicle through this life of ours. We need to take responsibility for it and take care of it. It is the only one we have.

When we don’t know how to or don’t take care of it, a lot can go wrong; mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Our Minds need only be the passenger in this crazy ride we call life. If we allow our Minds to completely take over, like most of us have, we lose ourselves, in time, in the moment and in life. That’s what it feels like to me.

The Body is where we stand, in the present moment and the Mind is what allows us to “time travel” into the past and the future. Staying in the present is where life happens and joy, peace and love exist.

Let’s talk about trauma. Exactly what is going on?

Whether a micro or macro trauma has occurred, depending on the sensitivity of the person, the same emotional and physical feeling will occur. The feeling is fear and starts the Stress Response I’ve talked about which is the Fight/Flight Response. It is a physical response initially and also involves an emotional response. This is what I am finding from my own experience and from working with others. Very interesting stuff, to me, and it certainly explains a lot.

Trauma… my traumas. Why do I know them so intimately?

There are actually different types of traumas and I start out with Micro and the Macro. Micro traumas will tend to do as much damage to the system, as they are built on top of each other until the energy is released. This is what can become Complex PTSD, an emotional version of PTSD that has us flashing back into emotions that remind us of a situation that has occurred in our lives, generally as a child.

That is what I am working on doing here for myself, is releasing these energies.

My Traumas

In my life there have been many traumas, both Micro and Macro, that have occurred.

Starting with the Generational Trauma, my family on both sides were involved in the Holocaust, both in concentration camps and escaping the Nazi’s and SS and going to other countries from where they lived, losing their businesses, homes and money. My part in this is as a 3rd generation Holocaust survivor.

And it begins…

My father, 2nd generation, not only experienced his own Birth Trauma and other traumas throughout his life, but portion of his family were killed in 1942 in a concentration camp. I have an Ancestry page that shows the death dates of about 15-20 family members as 1942.

My mother was 2nd generation and went through some horrific experiences as a child. My maternal grandparents escaped the Nazi’s and SS and moved to Israel in 1938.

Although it didn’t directly happen to me, their experiences shaped my life when I was born. This occurs with everyone through the DNA.

Traumas as a child for me included birth trauma, neglect, both emotional and physical, and lack of nurturing. What I found later was that the generation that was affected by the holocaust and WWII mostly, was the same generations that could take care of me with basic needs, but the nurturing was not available for them to give. I know they loved me; they just didn’t know how to show it. I feel like that was a pretty normal occurrence from that time frame.

Also, there was my parents’ divorce starting when I was 4 and culminating at 12, after which I didn’t see my mother again until I was in my mid- and late 40’s. Alienation from my own children, sexual harassment by a colleague while serving in the military and I was also part of the process of sending other soldiers to war, knowing full well what could happen and in some cases it did.

I also experienced two divorces, many losses and deaths.

Of course, there has also been world events that have been going along with that too since 1964.

I am not the only one.

Being torn apart from the inside out, the heartache and heartbreak of loss, all of it has turned out to be my redemption.

The beauty of this as the pain and experiences have come to be my salvation.

I have found a way to heal from all of this and learn to stay in the moment, love myself and enjoy my life. It has not been an easy road, whether from the actual traumas or the healing work. I find the healing work has been well worth it.

Digging deep into the search for my truth and bringing my soul back into my life has been the most incredible thing. Keep breathing.

I am alive. I am here. I am with you.

I am.