Wow, to start and end here is huge.
I have been reflecting over the past year in the past couple of days, actually 2 years, because of everything we all have gone through. There appears to be a lot of suffering with the events happening. Really if you look at history, it isn’t much different. I would say more of the same, just with a different outfit.
The other thing to consider is that from the way we have been living life in this society, the hard part is that these events/traumas are stacking inside of us. This is what Complex PTSD is and it looks like things are worse. Maybe they are and they certainly appear to be. I think mostly the difference is that we have the news in our faces 24/7 now and we didn’t back then.
Trauma, trauma, trauma.
Let’s look at the other side of the coin.
When we look inside ourselves and decide to heal from trauma, as I have been doing, taking 100% responsibility for my part in all cases, I found a space inside of me that was willing and ready to dive in and do this and find the truth of who I am, who we all are, deep within and that is Love.
Yes, I was terrified. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I am a different person from making this choice.
The start is where I go next… the end is the old me I am leaving behind. Both bring up grief and hope and excitement at the coming of the New Year. I am not giving up no matter what. If I did, it would not be good. I realized a long time ago that as long as I keep moving, I am alive. As long as I feel fear, I am alive. Fear is what is guiding me through this.
I am finding my Higher Self loves me so much it offers me all of these opportunities to walk through to know who I am.
I am grateful.
There is a way to thrive on this journey and that is my intention as I heal. I don’t know what is coming in the future. What I am learning is that if I am miserable and complaining as a victim now, I will attract the same energy in my future; I did that throughout my life.
Now… I am learning to be in the moment, with gratitude, (not victim) of whatever comes up for me through life experiences both personally and in the world. I will not tell you this is an easy task. I will tell you that when you make a decision to shift your life, things will happen, opportunities, I call them, to help you along your request.
This past year proved just that for me.
The good, the not so good and the ugly… revealed.
So, in 2018 at the end of the year, I was in a transformative period. I was going on walks every morning and listening to motivational videos and inspirational ones as well. Yes, they are a little different. I walked my way through the pain of what was shifting back then and then one day I said, “Ok I am ready for the next adventure. I am ready to meet a man who is just like me, so he understands me.”
Since then, I learned to be more specific from that request as to exactly what I was looking for in my life. Not just with a partner, with everything.
It was meant to occur in this way, I fully believe that.
And then it happened… in early 2019. Within 2-3 weeks after I full on made that statement, I met my former partner, you know, the one I did the interview with on my podcast a couple of weeks ago. It was a match made in the planets. The request I made brought me into a whirlwind of really finding myself.
We came together for reasons of growth and healing and everything we experienced together was part of that journey. The co-coaching, the music, the experience with the death of his ex-wife and having his 7-year-old girl move in with us at the time. It was scary, hard, and full of turmoil.
It was also necessary for both of us to walk through that or we wouldn’t be where we are now, and being able to be in the same space, as friends.
So, the beginning of 2021 brought on the realization from both of us that we were coming to a close with everything. It was not easy to walk through that either, but we did it. I ended up moving out and temporarily stayed in a couple of other towns in Florida from where I had been living for 6 years in South Florida. That was a learning and growing experience in itself, where I learned more and more every day that I did not need to depend on anyone but me.
The walks I took for those 9 months, birthed me into my vision and into healing more and more and of realizing who I am.
It was rough, there was loss, there was pain and there were many days of living inside my chrysalis… literally. I really didn’t do much but meditate, work and heal. I had thought I wanted to spend my days doing things, but it didn’t turn out that way and I am actually grateful that it didn’t. It shifted a lot of things back to what my truth is and what I wanted to do with my life.
The whole thing was a blessing in disguise, especially now that I look back at it and I am grateful for the people and the experiences of it no matter how difficult it was. I am fully alive!
Fast forward to now.
The birthing took place on 11/22/21 as I drove away into the unknown of my future. I had traded my car in for an Outback where I had initially been looking for a van. That became too complicated, and I knew getting a Subaru would be good for years to come.
I landed back in South Florida, back into the loving arms of friends who have been supporting me emotionally and with a place to stay as I prepared to start my trip. So much has happened both inside and out of me over the past 6 weeks.
Decisions, preparation, podcasting, blogging, connection, healing, more decisions, more healing. Learning to trust and learning more about me and what I am capable of. The love offered by my friends has been invaluable, especially for someone who had been through abandonment most of her life, to see and feel this was so important. Also, for me to know that I am not alone. I got it now!
Here we are now on the eve of a brand-new year and we have no clue what the future brings but I can tell you this. Trust your gut, love yourself, heal yourself if you have been traumatized, and learn that you are capable of anything when you take 100% responsibility for yourself and follow through with what you choose to do in your life.
As I get ready to leave to start the main part of my journey, I send blessings and love to you on The Ride of My Life! Happy New Year!