Well, I can honestly say I did not think this would have moments of being ridiculously difficult to work through some of this old, deep trauma. The time I spent over the past couple of months working on digitizing my kids’ photos really brought up stuff for me.
The combination of that, Christmas and preparing to leave for this trip has all been a whirlwind of fear, sadness, grief, anger, and even shame. It felt like it got worse, but really I don’t believe that. I am at a different place in my life, I am a different person. This is my life’s work.
I’ve shared this before and what this feels like was the quiet before this storm happened and now I’m just sitting and waiting out the storm as it processes through me. I have learned to recognize this and know I am really walking through it.
The crazy thing is that I am fully aware of what is going on and I know that my faith is there, and I surrender to each moment knowing it will carry me through.
It just happens that in some cases, it is hitting on open wounds that I didn’t realize were still open. Yet… I am still getting through it.
I find that when I ask for things in life, the Universe will bring it to me, but I must release the old stuff that’s been inside of me for a lifetime or more, so I am getting these opportunities to do so. The old stuff being the energies of these emotions I mentioned. This makes room for the “new” me or rather the remembrance of me.
I am still doing the deep breathwork to calm my system down. I have also been using flower essences like the Star of Bethlehem to assist in this.
During the time of getting the pictures done, I ended up forgoing the walks and exercise I was doing. That was a lesson learned in and of itself.
The body needs movement… period. When I stopped moving to get the pictures done in time for the Christmas gift, things felt worse mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It all came to a head and made me realize that my body needs that movement. It literally felt like those energies were getting stuck inside me again and why I forgot about that, I don’t know.
At times, I went back to pacing. My body telling me that I needed to get out and move. I did not listen. The energies got worse.
I have written a couple of blog posts referencing my fear and belief of “running out of time.” This is a big deal apparently. Belief: “I must finish this, or I will run out of time.”
But… there is another belief that seems to run along side of that and I just realized that it connected. I’ve known about it for a while but didn’t see until now how they went together.
Here it is… “If I don’t finish or do this __________ (fill in the blank) for so and so, they won’t love me anymore, they will leave me, and I will be alone.”
When I see these things come up, I don’t fall into the pain of it quite as much as I used to. I recognize it and it’s much easier with this. It just intrigues me; I don’t ask why. I know have a brain that constantly runs and questions things. I love putting puzzles together and it shows up here in my self- and life-inquisitiveness.
Because of this I have asked the unanswerable question… why?
What I do know now after these last few days is this. My fear and belief about being alone is actually my superpower. I have thought a lot about that concept.
In my aloneness, I gain strength, wisdom, understanding, self-love and personal guidance. This is actually necessary for me to thrive. Yet there is something about feeling alone that adds a twinge of deep sadness.
As I get ready for the new year and reflect on my life, every experience I have ever had throughout my entire life, has always brought me back to this space. Somewhere inside I know I am ok being alone, in fact, I love it.
And I also love being with friends and family. I thrive in both worlds but somehow things got mixed up to where I somehow thought that I would never have people in my life who loved me. What?
This is an example of a Core Belief that is also a lie; a lie that has been with me for a long time and now I fully know that. I have many people in my life who love me. I am getting to fully love me and I know on a deep level that this has just been my journey to find that love and connection within myself and others.
And others are not separate from me, you are an extension of me. I’m finding that too.
A big ah-hah for me yesterday as I was talking to a family member is that, no, the traumas that happened in my life are no longer stuck. I have rectified the emotional losses and have done plenty of forgiveness work around them. On others and for myself.
It doesn’t mean that, every so often, things won’t surface to remind and trigger me again. I’m ok when that happens, I know it, although in the moment it doesn’t feel like it. Those moments can feel like they are never ending.
And, the pain does eventually subside and having someone there sometimes, to hold space, is essential to walking through it, knowing there is support.
I feel like I was put on this planet for some reason in showing people the way back home to themselves as I walk through this to find out how this works. It’s just part of my path and I fully accept it.
I see the world differently than most. I don’t watch the news regularly, but I keep track. There is a lot of confusing information that is causing trauma to a lot of people too. I’ve been, in my life, locked into the cycle of fear from watching the news round the clock. It just made me sick. This fully occurred during Desert Storm, days on end, 24/7.
I chose to not dig in and get sucked in by that anymore; it’s too much. I fully feel that in my body.
There is quite a bit of fear-mongering going on these days and when we’ve been traumatized in our lives, this can add to the trauma and fear that is already locked up inside of some of us.
The bottom line is this. “Normal” life without the excess fear is challenging enough to work through for some of us. Some have figured out how to do this and that is fantastic! I, for one, find myself in a place of having worked through a good bit of the healing and then when something comes up that hasn’t quite worked itself through, my body will take over and it feels like whatever it is, is happening again. That is a Stress Response that is in lock mode.
I know that this is how my body reacts at times and that is what this part of my journey is about to find the way to fully feel safe in my body, no matter what. I’m getting there and it’s a process. The body holds the emotions and letting go is not as simple, sometimes, as just being told to “get over it.”
When anxiety and fear hits, it can hit hard within my body. It can also be released because what I know now is that triggers happen in my life AND there is also a deep, abiding peace inside of me too. When I’m triggered, I lose myself sometimes, and even that is even shorter now, it doesn’t last as long.
I always find my way back home to myself. Even when it may appear or sound like I am falling backwards or losing it, in the moment while it is happening, especially to others watching, I will tell you it is not. It’s not the same as it used to be and for that I am grateful.
The Ride of My Life is about sharing and showing that there is a way to come back home to ourselves. The truth about who we are.
Thank you for being here.