I have been running through some things in my heart and my body that have put a lot of fear in me as I walk through this experiment of The Ride of My Life. It really is what the name states. Know that I am reflecting on what is going on, these things dissipate and turn into strength and courage, something I am realizing more and more every day as I work through it.
The fear from not knowing what will happen, fear from not trusting in myself or my Higher Power. This lesson in trust is digging deeply into that space of my biggest angsts… being alone, which I have talked about many times before; this has been the underlying belief in my life since I was a baby, pre-verbal.
The good news is that it isn’t as loud and overpowering as it once was because I have proof I am being taken care of.
What I find interesting is the depths of the belief. I continue to walk through it, and I continue to be amazed at just how deeply a belief about self can go, especially from trauma. I know I’m not the only one who has this going on.
As I sit with myself in this moment, I reflect on that proof, reminding myself that I am safe and that everything always works out for me, even when things feel insurmountable, like what I am doing here with this experiment.
So as the day gets closer for me to start the first leg of my journey into healing and recovery from this feeling of the last vestiges of the deep trauma, somehow I know, yet I don’t always feel it, this is extremely good for me as it continues to be.
I am learning to trust the process and not be so afraid of the path, challenging as it is.
I wrote the following poem this morning because Christmas is a hard time for me. On top of that, I have been digitizing my kids’ photos and have gone through almost 2000 pictures between the two of them. I tend to still see them as little because of the circumstances we went through and it touches on the depth of that pain, especially at this time of year because there were so many Christmases I didn’t get to see them, this being one.
Typically, on Christmas Eve, what I do is spend some quiet time sitting in front of the tree and just staring at the lights until they all mesh together, similar to what it feels like life is doing right now. Everything is running together like time doesn’t exist. Well, it doesn’t, and I get into such a deep space of love when I do this and release old feelings of sadness. It has been a cathartic journey over the last few months as I worked on the pictures.
I miss them deeply and I know that the energy of my love for them reaches across the miles to their hearts. I’m sure of it.
Through the sadness and tears as I go through the pictures comes plenty of memories of happiness and love as well and I am absolutely grateful to have the opportunity to work on this project so my children will have these pictures when they want to look at them.
I hope you can find peace in your heart at this time, especially if you are working through trauma and life as it goes. I send you love as you continue on your journey.
My Self-Love, I Accept
As I slowly walk into the unknown,
I am opening up and being shown,
Things of me I did not know,
Learning trust, the direction to go.
What does that mean? I ask myself,
The answers sometimes feel as if they are withheld,
I go so deep, I feel the pain,
Of days gone by as I release again.
The time has come for Christmas now,
Walking through memories, organizing pictures, and “Wow,”
I can’t begin to say how much,
At this time in my life, my heart needs to adjust.
I missed them then, I miss them now,
I work through the trauma and realize, somehow,
They are always with me in my heart,
I love them deeply, they will never part.
I lost them then, I feel the sting,
As I see the pictures, my memories run through and my mind is blurring,
I feel the sadness and ache as I go deep,
To heal myself, I continue to weep.
To allow the pain of days gone by,
Looking and feeling and wondering why,
I connect with them, those photos I loved,
For so many years and as I felt the trudge.
I know this needed to go on for me,
So, I could find out the depths of who I be,
As I continue to prepare for the next chapter of my life,
I find my body puts up a fight.
It wants to run, it wants to scream,
From forces unknown and those unseen,
It shakes and trembles and walks in circles,
As I, the observer, continue these exertions.
Something is on the other side of time, I know,
I can feel the shifts, they’re good, yet some days, it doesn’t show,
They bring me down into the depths of hell,
But wait, that’s my ego, telling me all’s not well.
That isn’t true, but I’ve been listening for so long,
I’ve walked through hell and back and continue to get strong,
Deeply I know this, although some days I don’t know how,
I continue to thrive through as I state my vow.
The vow I give myself is, “To thine own self be true.”
To find that self, is more powerful than I knew,
The journey takes me into the darkest nights of the soul,
And brings me into the love in my heart, where at times I didn’t know.
Who am I? Please show me… Why am I here?
I know there is something because I continue to persevere,
I feel drawn by life and pulled back by fear,
My heart says, “Yes! Do it, the time is now!”
and my mind says, “Don’t do it, we must cohere!” as it disallows.
The fight goes on until such time that it stops,
From going deep within and releasing this block,
That’s been held so long from my feeling unsafe,
To be me in a world where I would feel the need to escape.
Into dissociation, long ago, to my mind’s closet I went,
A place that claimed safety for me as I underwent,
The feelings of fear, loss, pain and sadness,
As I look in there now, all I see is the madness.
Today is the day, I rise to the challenge,
Of healing the trauma and bring my life into balance,
To continue to trust in the highest power of all,
To know when I jump to fly, I will not fall.
I will soar like the birds, and feel freedom once more,
To connect with my Source like I never felt before,
To move through this life and can evoke,
That feeling of freedom, beginning with hope.
To release the energy of trauma isn’t easily done,
It walks me through the painful energies, one by one,
And as it releases, I can absolutely see,
The depths of who I am, that is truly me.
As my soul expands and my body heals,
When I must endure, so that life can reveal,
The true beauty of self, which is love, joy and peace,
To the day when the traumas have all been released.
And I go through my life as I carry lessons forward,
And be who I am from my heart knowing I am supported,
Little by little I am able to connect,
With the beauty of me, my self-love, I accept.