I see as the days pass, and I get closer to leaving how much more this challenges the deep locked in trauma I have carried in my life from abandonment.
The deep wounding from the birth and childhood traumas are really coming to the surface and it’s really tearing me apart like two kids fighting over a toy and breaking it in the process. I’ll explain in a minute.
A long time ago, somewhere in my 30’s, I received a copy of the court paperwork from the divorce of my parents and the custody of me. I also received some other paperwork of what was “going on” at the time.
There was a lot of information in there about how unstable my mother was and the things that she had “done.” I don’t know if this information was 100% true or not and my memory of these things never served me to know for sure. But I can tell you that the wounding and feelings of anger, shame, sadness, and fear were bound into my body from birth on.
Now, of course, as a child, I would not have complete or correct memories of what happened, in fact, the memories I have are extremely choppy and not all of them were pleasant.
After reading the documents and remembering what I was told as I grew older and going through what I am now, I am not fully clear that everything in those documents were true… and some were. And some were more than likely embellished because that is what people do when going through something like this, especially when they stop loving each other and move into hate and anger. You can’t believe everything in court documents just like you can’t believe everything you see or read on Facebook or on the internet. These are all people’s perceptions, and some may have a hint of truth but not all.
Can you truly fully remember everything that happened to you as a child if you were traumatized?
This was my life growing up and repeated with my children. Re-traumatization and dysregulation and became the guidance system of my life when my GPS should have been my feelings as I have talked about. My feelings were shoved so deep inside of me from fear of loss, death, not being loved, that my body and mind took over running the show. Disassociation became my safety net when I flashbacked into those feelings time after time, going through traumas related to my past and new traumas as time went on.
This I want to tell you. I am fully experienced in recognizing that what we physically do to hurt and also love a child, stays with that child for an eternity. Traumatized children do not just “get over it,” especially when we become adults, even though other people say that to us; it isn’t that simple.
More importantly, what we do to emotionally hurt AND also love a child comes into play. Children are sponges from the ages of 0-6. They take in everything from their environment and what they are taught. They don’t know how to regulate themselves, that is what the adults are there for to show them how.
As well, the traumas of the adults (from childhood) fully affect their children. As I have explained before, I know my father and grandparents who raised me, loved me. They provided me a good home and took care of my physical needs. They, however, were traumatized as children too, so they did not know how to nurture, and boy did I need that emotional piece more than anything, especially as a sensitive child.
I posted, the other day, a podcast interview by Jay Shetty with Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry from Trauma Informed Parent. The two wrote a book together called, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. The conversation struck a nerve in me and literally took me four days to listen because it kept bringing up the feeling flashbacks of Complex PTSD.
What it also did, that was so important, was it gave me validation because most of what they talked about I had to learn for myself in order for me to move through my healing process. The information they talked about that I mentioned earlier about the love in the home also being problematic because it is based on how our parents were taught, can also cause trauma for children.
I managed to work through the information and settle until I had the conversations with my Divine Masculine friends last week. I also received the information that it was time to pick the date of departure and begin to schedule where I would stay along the way.
The conversations were very helpful to me AND they opened some things up inside of me that started to make this real. The information I received began the push into a C-PTSD flashback.
I had a long conversation with my friend that I am planning the visit with, and it all came to a head. I realized that this was huge for my healing as we went through dates and what we would be doing. As we were talking, something deep inside me got released that I wasn’t aware of and of course my fear of abandonment and my belief of being alone and broke.
Somewhere in all of that I logically know I am being taken care of; however, I am not fully feeling that right now and I got angry with the whole situation and yelled at my Higher Power. I was so lost; I didn’t know what else to do.
Four other things occurred. One was more metaphysical that I don’t really know how to describe yet, I can just tell you that as I was laying down to rest and shut my eyes, I repeated the process that I learned from Noel Neu in the second interview I did.
What happened was that I saw the most incredible blue color under my eyelids. It felt like I was literally inside of whatever it was. It was a variation of aqua, but it was not just a solid color and was moving around almost like a lava lamp, but not thick, maybe more swirley.
The next thing that happened was when I woke up from that nap, tears were streaming down my face. It was like something inside of me was coming to the surface and healing, I really don’t know how to explain it all.
The third thing that occurred was that I totally lost it. It was as I was driving to attempt to take care of a couple of errands, which in hindsight, I probably should have not gone out into the world of chaos right after something so profound as I was feeling raw and that really didn’t help.
I just let it rip. I screamed at life, at my Higher Power, at the pain, at the trauma. I was so done with all of it, and I just wanted things to shift. In those moments, I realized that the shift was going on, but it hurt… a lot and it certainly didn’t feel like it was shifting.
All of my anger, shame, fear and sadness was coming up at the same time and I was able to release a lot of it. But then I went into a funk and stayed there until I was able to go through my tasks. The odd thing about it was during that, I felt like I was there just observing myself and others and how really messed up everything is in the world; in how unkind and unaware people can be. That didn’t help either.
Finally, I got out of that, got to my semi-final destination, my friends house, took care of some things that needed to be done and relaxed a bit.
When I left, I felt a bit better and went back to where I am staying and went to bed.
Last occurrence: at 2 o’clock in the morning, I am awake, with sinus and neck pain to boot. Not sick, just pain. I cried and cried and wrote in my journal to get some more of my feelings out which I really needed to do; I realize I am human.
It came to me to listen to Sarah Blondin and a couple of her meditations, Remembering Trust and A Message of Hope. Things I have wanted to help others with AND I am well on my way to learning how to understand for myself, which I can’t very well help others if I don’t understand what it looks like for me.
None of it can be done without knowing what it feels like for myself, the healing from trauma (and being a Role Model), the helping others learn about trust, surrender, peace, love, joy and having hope.
Something I noticed going through my life was always feelings hopeless and this is my opportunity to break free from that and to provide a space of hope and healing from trauma to triumph over the experiences and the physical aspect of the body from trauma.
This is a huge ah-hah for me in the moment, in real time. I will have to come back to you with more as this integrates. I do not know what to make of it right now and somehow I am grateful this is happening.
When I started this part of my journey, I probably needed to warn both myself and you to “buckle up” because this is certainly proving to be The Ride of My Life.