An enriching and grieving last few days. Emotions are shifting again and feelings coming to the surface with the changes going on. The feeling of my feelings of sadness and loss were so deep, but they didn’t last that long. Seems whatever I am doing is really shifting the trauma.
I am a total witness and observer of my life now and being able to just watch what is going on as it is happening is incredibly interesting.
In the past, I would have either completely gone into a flashback and broke down into anxiety or I would have dissociated into the closet in my brain to feel safe. I’m not doing that anymore and this is such a relief. Also, being able to talk it out loud with a friend when I need to, for me to understand for myself what is going on, is so much better nowadays. I really don’t have the words to describe this.
What I can tell you is this…
A couple of days ago, my son and I had a visit together. After everything we have been through, it was probably the most loving and peaceful of visits we have had together from my perspective. I felt his love and could not help but to love him deeply, and I could feel the energy. All I wanted to do was take deep breaths and hold onto that moment. It will forever be etched in my mind.
Just looking into those same beautiful brown eyes I looked into when he was a baby, flooded me with so much love. I could literally feel the oxytocin flowing through my body again. This isn’t something I have experienced in a long time, and it felt so good to me. Years of trauma seems to take that away into numbness.
We got to take a walk on the beach too and that was so healing. Just watching the ebb and flow of the water and the Sanderlings running back and forth along the water’s edge. I just love watching Sanderlings. Not only does being at the beach give me a sense of freedom, but it is also, truly, very healing.
This is where I spent the first 2+ years in Florida consistently at the beach, just to heal. It was part of the process. The fresh salt air, the birds flying overhead – especially the Pelicans, the sand under my feet (when it wasn’t piping hot in the middle of the summer – lol), and just being in the moment, floating in the water, allowing it to rock me.
There were also days of going to the beach for sunrise, meditating and sitting watching the sun and the ocean, bringing me into a place of solace.
This walk with my son brought back and brought up a lot for me; memories and feeling alike.
I don’t see myself as old, however, as I get older and I get to experience moments like that with him, I begin to feel the wave of other losses that haven’t been resolved yet.
Linear time feels like it is becoming shorter and faster and sometimes it makes me sad to think about missing out on relationships that could be. I know I have no control over what happens and sometimes, the fear of the possibility of not being able to rectify or come back together comes up.
Today was one of those days. The closer I get to going on the road, the more these feelings come up of sadness, grief and fear, although I feel the fear dissipating more and more.
Somehow, I know I am ok and that what is happening now is for me to just allow them to come up, to flow and to release them until I get back to feeling better. This doesn’t take as long as it used to either.
There were times when I was in the thick of it that it would take months to go through and clear. Now it is, as Louise Hay put it when she was still alive, at 90, “I still go through shit. Nowadays, it’s easier because when I step in it, I step out more quickly.” I love that.
So, in stepping out of the shit, I also feel like the process is easier and some days I just get to the point where it is what it is, and I just want and get to enjoy my life and that is what I will do.
I learn a lot from my son.
Just an update on the car setup. I had the visit (measurement and brainstorming session) with a friend about how to set my car up. In gratitude, I received a cot from my former partner as a gift, so I was also able to work around the cot to measure and think how I will do this without having to eyeball and imagine it. The first round set up will be happening soon. I just have to purchase a few items and I will be ready.
The initial part of the trip may only include short stays in my car, so I won’t need the full setup. I’ve decided that will come later.
Finally, I wanted to share that after the two interviews I did on the past two podcasts, Episodes 9 and 10, I have definitely decided that this will be an ongoing thing to have interviews with people. I just love doing that!
I really enjoyed doing the interview with professionals and will also include people who are on their healing journey and can share a conversation around that.
If you are interested in being on my podcast, let me know. You can reach me through my link in Facebook or Instagram or you can go to my website and reach out.
I look forward to meeting you on The Ride of My Life!