Letting go for love is not easy. It is one of the most painful things anyone can endure, especially a noncustodial parent.
The other day, I read a post online that stated, “Stepping back is often more powerful than intervening.”
I have talked a few times about the Story of King Solomon and how the women came to see him with the baby each arguing it was theirs. King Solomon made the decision to allow the baby to be cut in half.
One of the women said, “Go ahead, neither of us needs that baby.” The other said, “Give him to the other woman.” King Solomon declared that she was the true mother because she was willing to give the baby up, so no harm would come to it.
At this point, I am finally able to accept this when I made the heartbreaking decision to let go of my daughter, so she would be happy. It was torture for me, but my children are what is most important, and their happiness is what matters.
In my case, my children were well taken care of. But that didn’t make it any easier to be away from them or to be able to be a part of making the important decisions for them. I was essentially not allowed to do that, I was not told what was going on with them.
Parenting While Experiencing Parental Alienation
There is no good way to parent during Parental Alienation. Being shunned from my family, trying to see the children, and desperately looking for ways to connect with them while being told they don’t want to see you or talk to you.
Being told you are a terrible mother, when all you have is love for your child. On top of that being pushed further away through the use of therapists, courts and DCSE, etc. Not the way to handle this situation.
Attachment Trauma and The Court System
Attachment Trauma/Attachment Based Parental Alienation seems to be the words coming out now to describe what is happening and this makes sense to me. It happens for both the children and noncustodial parents in this situation.
For those who have never been through something like this, don’t assume anything about being the noncustodial parent. Most are good people, and are not taking drugs or drinking or abusing their children, etc. Some of these parents are professionals that work with children ie. therapists, teachers, doctors, lawyers, nurses, etc.
So, why would the courts make the decision to keep their children away from them? Doesn’t that seem odd?
For the courts to rule that a parent is not allowed to be with their child/children is such torture to otherwise loving parents that there are now suicide hotlines around the world to help them because they are at their wits end.
Again, in some cases, why would the system allow the custodial parent to continually, mentally and physically abuse and cause trauma to the child/children? This is happening to the point where after a visit with the noncustodial parent, the child doesn’t want to go back yet is forced by the courts to do so. Does this make sense?
I have seen and heard about many cases where the custodial parent will see that the child who didn’t want to leave the noncustodial parent after a visit, is crying. They twist what is happening around to make it look like it was the noncustodial parent who did something to harm the child. And the courts believe them!
Please be aware, there are also children threatening, attempting and committing suicide from this because they don’t know what to do. They have two parents and they want to love them both! That is a normal need for a child.
The Destruction of Future Generations In Society
We are destroying our future generations with this garbage and a lot is based on some ruthless, uncaring attorneys and judges who make more money the longer they drag the process out.
I am grateful and happy to hear that there are finally caring attorneys, judges and others now willing to figure this situation out. There is a lot of information on the internet.
For the layperson, simply taking the time to educate yourself and others of this epidemic of psychological and emotional trauma happening to our children is the first step in changing this madness.
Also, don’t forget about the psychological and emotional trauma it causes the noncustodial parent as well before judging them wrong either for not fighting hard enough, for not loving their child/children, for not doing for their child/children what you think they should. Most have done everything they can and are not getting anywhere with the courts.
It isn’t as simple as one might think.
If you have friends going through this, think twice before judging them based on your own life, especially if you have never experienced this for yourself. Remember the old adage, “Don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”
This way you can consider another person’s perspectives, experiences, or motivations about them before making a judgment about them.
If your family is in a great place, that is wonderful, but for these parents going through this, just hold space for them and offer them a shoulder to cry on, not advice. Advice can be detrimental, especially in these situations when you don’t really understand what that parent is dealing with.
Because I Love You
One day my child asked me, “Why didn’t you move down here to be closer to me when I was little?” It broke my heart to hear that question. I had no answer at the time. It really does make me look like the bad mother they told me I was, which I ended up believing.
This trauma is an emotional and psychological tactic played by the custodians of the child/children; and as described above, sadly, it works very well. Especially with a lot of people who already have low self-esteem from their own childhoods.
This, however, does not make them a bad parent.
I have this to say now, my child. At that time, aside from some other general reasons why I couldn’t move, I didn’t do it because I was being told what an awful mother I was and I believed them.
I was scared and lonely because I had no one’s support that really understood what I was going through. I died inside and I felt like I was in a deep dark hole with no way out.
I couldn’t move down there because my heart was broken and I couldn’t recover because I lost my children.
I had to step back to heal because I couldn’t mother from the pain I was feeling inside.
I was told to just deal with it and be something in the form of an Aunt that just checks in every once in a while and didn’t have to make any decisions or do anything for my own children; I wanted to be your mother.
I did what I did because I love you and because I didn’t know what else to do.
I have always loved you and I did the best I could with what I knew, with the hand I was dealt at the time.
I wish more than you know that things could have been different, but they weren’t.
In the beginning of this, I wanted you to hear from both of your parents and everyone around you, that no matter what happened between your father and me, we would love you forever and be there for you and your sister. That never happened.
I’m sorry for my part in this and I take full responsibility for the decisions I made when I didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry it happened and I would do anything to make it all better, if I could.
For Our Children
From my own experience and hearing about the experiences of others from the Support Group I started a year ago, just like any kind of emotional trauma/abuse, the wounds cannot be seen but they are felt to the depths of the soul. What was done was one thing, but these traumatic wounds are carried inside forever until we can heal and recover from them. If we can; some can’t.
I close out with this. There are many children and noncustodial parents who have been traumatized to the point of no return. I ask that you educate yourself and bring awareness to others of this tragedy in our society.
Change needs to happen in the court systems to the point where they advocate for both of the parents to ensure co-parenting is available for our children in every state in the US and every country.
The future of our society and earth depends on this and our children deserve to live a life of joy and happiness, not fear and pain.
We do this for our children, seven generations out.