I’m on a roll. Here I am already on Day 3 and so much is happening. I mentioned a while ago that people and situations start to be removed from our lives when we are ready to move forward. This is not easy for someone like me who has had attachment and abandonment issues throughout my life.
Clearly, I am able to handle it, though because that is exactly what I am doing. Yesterday, as soon as I put up my Blog (on Substack) and Vlog (on YouTube) and posted on FB about what was going on, it seemed as though the Universe turned on me.
My ego mind then went right into tangent mode and I literally lost it.
Interestingly, I went through that for about 3 minutes and then realized, “Hmm, maybe this is more like a “test” in my PhD program of life.
Me: Ok, I’m willing to post this and put myself out there, here I go.
Me: “No! Everything is hitting me at the same time! I don’t know what to do about getting a loan! I’ve done this a million times in my life and feel like I am incompetent! What is happening? And now, I have to go ship something in the middle of all this.
Me: “I knew it! I should have never posted that soon. What was I thinking? Now I feel like a fraud and a complete moron.” (Lots of tears follow.)
Me: (After a breath or two or three) “Wait a minute, maybe the Universe is testing me to see if I truly mean what I am saying about my next step.”
Universe: “Ok, you’re starting to listen and get it.”
Me: (After another breath or two.) Thought: I’m watching things slowly but surely be released from me. The people and situations that no longer serve me. This is hugely scary for me, but I am starting to see it is part of this process and from a different perspective now.
Universe: “Keep going.”
Me: “Ok, I see what’s happening. I get to sit with this and allow these feelings of fear to move through me and it really is nauseating. I feel like I’m going to throw up.”
Universe: “Good, now you’re on the right path.”
What the hell? All of this was going on yesterday and small things started to fall into place and make sense and the big thing with loss became clear as to what was happening. This is deep stuff and on one hand I know I can handle it and on the other I just want to crawl under my covers and hide.
I’m not crawling under my covers and I am not going to hide anymore.
Yesterday, friends reached out to me from my post and were so supportive and loving, telling me they knew I could do this and also how brave I am. One person even said, “You got guts lady. I’m proud of you for your courage.”
That actually floored me. I have been told similar things throughout my life, but this desire is bigger than the other things I was told those things for.
Yes! I am brave and courageous. Yes! I got guts! And yes! I am doing this.
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain and I have been through many trials in my life that were probably harder than this, so I am set up to do this.
So, thank you for being here on The Ride of My Life and I am grateful to you all.