I survived, that’s what I’ve done,
Living my life, living my life and continuing to run,
But I cannot run, I cannot hide,
From the pain that has sat with me deep inside.
From being neglected as a little girl,
From my mother who was lost in her own little world,
To being raised by Omi, Opa and Dad,
Who physically took care of me, loved me, yet didn’t understand.
The sensitivity of my little girl’s heart,
That needed emotional nurturing right from the start,
That little girl was left mostly on her own,
To figure things out walking by herself into unknown…
Territory as she was growing up,
She survived by trying too hard, it sucked,
Because she never felt like she was part of the group,
It left her sad and alone and so she drooped.
Into herself, the closet to disappear,
She felt so lonely with no one near,
She played by herself and built on feeling shame,
She consistently thought something was wrong with her and she was to blame.
Because her emotional needs were rarely met,
She felt so lost as she grew and began to regret,
The fact that all others had two parents and a real family too,
She was so isolated; she didn’t realize what they were going through.
She felt so different during that time,
It etched a scar deep in her mind,
That she was the only one going through this pain,
And could never figure out how to regain,
Her lost self, so she pushed people away,
Because she believed they would leave her, anyway, some day.
And now that little girl fully knows,
As she’s been through the deepest of her beliefs, fears and woes,
In the last few months, it all came up for me to see,
That little girl has just been protecting me.
Because she was in so much distress,
For years she ran my life although she acquiesced,
Because she didn’t know how to be big,
She cowered in the corner and felt like she was in a brig.
But wait, she didn’t do anything wrong,
She tried and tried to sing her song,
But no one wanted to listen to her,
And she fell in the hole of depression, as it were.
For a long time, I helped her work through her terror,
Of feeling alone and not supported, forever,
Until now, I thought I was all alone,
And realized this was something she had owned.
She is now connecting with me in trust,
And showing me that to proceed, I must,
Have the same trust and faith in self,
Walking through this creates a space to compel,
Myself to changing my life as it’s been,
From heartbreak and terror to finding the love and strength within.
So here I am now on the cusp of a huge shift,
Having found out that I have been so adrift,
And now it’s time to move forward from this precipice,
To life of love, peace and blessedness.
I see myself and my life unfold,
And I’m willing to do what it takes to behold,
The beauty within that reflects outside,
I can finally see it because I no longer hide.