When I began this blog on April 7 this year, I made a promise to myself that I would be as open as I could throughout my writings so you could walk with me on this journey.
It isn’t easy to just be real and raw, because sometimes things get the best of me and in the past I would be someone I am not, so others would love me or for me to make sure everyone else was ok before paying attention to myself.
Not everyone is on a journey. It would be nice if we all were, but that isn’t how it seems to work.
What I wanted to do is similar to what Carl Jung did in his journey of healing. He used himself as a guinea pig, basically, walking through the depths of his mind, into the scariest places, to show others what’s there and how it could be done.
Today, I am doing the same.
My goal has been to be as transparent about this as I am able and today there is a opportunity to do so.
There is pain. There is love. There is fear. There is joy. There is frustration. There is peace. There is anger. There is love.
What I am finding is that the dichotomy of life is always there and so are the changes. That is a given. What I have found, as a human, is that it is not easy to take or understand. It is how to walk through all of this to my truth without completely losing it.
There are things occurring in my life right now that are really testing my limits and biggest fears and beliefs I have been holding onto for my entire life. I know I am walking through something big here, because I am so present in the moment, in actually feels odd. I am not totally used to this. I’ve seen it in spurts, but not like this.
Things that connect with the biggest fears/beliefs from when I was a child. Being alone or abandoned, having no one to be there for me because I couldn’t take care of myself back then and the ability to take care of myself now with housing, a vehicle, and food; the basics. Rock bottom. The traumas that occurred back then have caused the fears I have experienced throughout my life.
Or is that what is happening? Or is it just an illusion?
These fears I pushed aside because I didn’t want to face them. Way too scary, so I maintained in any way I could and shoved down the feelings and, well, as I have known for a while and discuss with others, feelings are not meant to be shoved down and forgotten about. They will eventually rear their ugly heads for us to look at; and they have, for me, for many years.
Walking through the old beliefs, traumas, patterns, and behaviors is something that I have been doing for 30 years now. Every day has been part of this journey I am on, and I have recorded in writing, in one way or another, what it has been like for me.
There have been moments of pure beauty and peace and moments of complete and utter breakdowns. We need these moments.
What I am finding out in this moment is that I have come to a point of true surrender. I’ve talked about this many times before but today I feel it differently. There have been so many losses in the past 10 days for me that I feel ready to just be in my space with myself and allow the energies I’ve been feeling to let go. Actually, it took the death of an acquaintance that I found out about today that really got me into this space.
Oddly, I am not numb. I am peaceful. I am grateful. I am hopeful. I am ready to do this, whatever this is, to walk through these feelings. To sit with them. To love myself. To know that I am doing ok, through trust and faith, which is really being tested right now. And to still be able to be angry, frustrated and bitter. It’s all in there.
In this, I come to you in such a feeling of grace and love that I could have never imagined and can barely explain it.
I am writing this today because I may or may not be on here for the next couple of days as I sit with this and walk through it. It is necessary and it is good.
Feel me now
Know that I am love
Know that I am allowed to be alive
To walk through the feelings I have and not hide them inside anymore
To let go and allow my life to unfold through trust and faith.
I have been fighting and resisting my entire life to cover my true feelings
This has been done, so I would appear to have my shit together
This point in time reveals that I do not
And I am ok.
I feel, I witness, I experience the beauty of the pain
that is coursing through me
And I am still ok.
Going through this only helps me to find the truth of who I am:
I am love
I am peace
I am joy.
I am also alive and preparing to shift
into what, I do not know
Yet I do know that it is happening
in this moment and the next and the next.
I can do this
I recreate my life
I am breaking down,