For years and years, I continued to fear,
Losing people that I held dear,
And on those days when I found out,
The people I held close to my heart, did not have the same vow.
I loved them deeply and could not see,
Why those feelings quickly left them, for me,
I thought I was bad, something wrong with me, for sure,
I could not find any cure.
I kept trying to please “them” so I wouldn’t be lonely,
But all that did was kept me feeling phony,
I tried and tried and could not find,
Why pleasing them put me in a bind.
The bind of bitterness kept me stuck,
And I could not fathom what my life had run amuck,
I kept looking outside for the answers,
And played for them with my good manners.
Yes sir, no sir, three bags full,
“I cannot lose you!” This is such bull,
I’m beginning to see that my desperation,
To holding onto certain relationships kept me in the same situation.
It was, however, each time with different people,
And was becoming extremely lethal,
To my heart because I could not let go,
Because if I did, I would not know.
What to do, what came next, if I would be ok,
And now I see that it happens so they,
Were happy and kept believing, I did not matter,
It was a belief I had for a while, so I shattered,
My heart until I realized one day,
That being nice all the time was not the way,
Keeping the peace so that I fell apart,
Was not the way to treat my heart.
So, in the moment, I decided,
It was time to take care of me, no matter what collided,
Or what fell apart outside of me,
Because I am better than this, can’t you see?
Today I find that if things fall away,
It is actually part of the healing, the way,
That I can finally live my life in the best way I see fit,
Without feeling like I need to take their shit.
When I’m not doing something they think I should,
That isn’t right for me, or good,
Or if I hole court with people who forget,
Compromises made, time for a reset.
Being picky about who I bring into my light,
That some people use for their delight,
And have tended to forget that I exist,
And turn it into something where I feel squished.
Into a place where I was not important to them,
Well, that is over now, and I don’t need to condemn,
Anyone, and especially me,
This isn’t how this is supposed to be.
My heart is not for being protected,
It is to be with people who see me accepted,
Only by me and that is all I need to do,
To continue this path, healing through.
The old beliefs that kept me going in circles,
Because of the fear of loss in my externals,
And that is coming to a close now, my dears,
I get to live my life now more clear.
To find out today that I can handle what comes,
No matter how terrible the appearance is, I become,
A much better version of myself and unafraid,
Of the way my life is led, my debt has been paid.