Life beneath the surface, so much I cannot see,
My body holds the trauma, and I could not foresee,
Because it was the feelings coming to the surface, that were stuck in there for years,
And not the truth of who I am, I was constantly in tears.
I could literally feel the pain in my nerves and would shake through and through,
When a situation came up in my life and I did not know what to do,
I thought there was something wrong with me, something I had to fix,
That I fell into this deep dark hole, fighting the inner conflicts.
The challenge for me was that conflicts arose, outside of me as well,
At one point, I didn’t know what to do, I was living in my own kind of hell,
I then decided years ago, I wanted things to change,
And as the fears rose up in me, I had begun to blame.
First I blamed myself so hard, and then others to,
I felt so helpless and so alone, I didn’t know what to do,
The anxiety that came up for me, was really quite scary,
And my little girl would run my life because she was so wary.
She didn’t trust anyone, let alone herself or me,
She protected herself through me as the victim, because I was the absentee,
I couldn’t figure anything out, it was such a frustrating thing,
When I knew that I am smart enough for a good life to be occurring.
For years I was inside this hole, and I could barely breathe,
When things would ultimately go wrong in my life, all I could do was seethe,
I felt so much pain, so many feelings were stuck, that I became numb,
No matter what I tried to do to rectify, I began to succumb.
To the deep wounds inside of me that took over my life,
Because I didn’t know how to love myself, I felt like I had died,
But wait that isn’t possible, I am here, flesh and blood,
What do I need to do for myself, to rid my insides of the crud?
I worked and worked for many years, to see what I could find,
Outside of me, the world did help, until it put me in a bind,
Something was missing, I had to figure out, because that is what I do,
I needed to know the secret, how to be able to find the truth.
It couldn’t be what I was seeing, the sadness and the pain in the world,
There had to be something bigger than this, or I would unfurl,
I looked and looked until I found, the answers were inside,
In that scary place I didn’t want to go, so I would just run and hide.
But every time I ran and hid, I kept finding out,
That where I go, there I am, and the truth started to come, no doubt,
For many years I fought myself until I realized,
The only way to heal was to stop to demonize.
That little girl inside of me who stayed safe in the closet of my soul,
And only when she did come out, it was to protect and control,
She made such a stink that it was time to be gentle and learn to reparent,
Because until I did that and stopped the victim, my life would be discrepant.
So here is what I learned to do, I dug until I found,
The deepest part of the beauty, I hid within my wounds,
And found the way to walk through hell, until I came to find,
That I am love and I can have this life as it was designed.
So, what I share I do because, I know that there is more,
To who we are than what we’ve been told, it is time to explore,
The depths of what is inside us, that turned out not to be so frightening,
I know it is hard to go into the things that created the tightening.
No this, my loves, the ocean is deep and what we see is only the surface,
Sometimes the top does not look great because it can disturb us,
The weather, the moon, the seaweed and such, that create all that chaos,
And cause the perception of what we think and feel, it is there to betray us.
These things are only what’s above the truth, what’s going on underneath,
Is peace and quiet and so much beauty, we forget when we don’t see,
Please know this, that beauty is there inside us as well,
Everything in nature has a story to tell.
We are part of nature, and we have both sides, the light and the darkness,
And life is all about dichotomy and creating our healing through catharsis,
We must be able to walk through both, so that we may see,
The incredible beauty and love inside, that we were meant to be.