Yesterday, I talked about this really powerful release I had. I was blown away by it. It’s a long one and it has changed my life.
But that doesn’t even come close to the ah-hah moments I woke up to this morning. This is so incredible for me because not only am I learning about myself, being able to forgive myself and loving myself more and more every day, I am also finding that the ah-hah moments I got this morning are pointing me to the place where I am just about to turn a corner.
I had a conversation with a friend yesterday, and I realized how powerful words really are. To the point, and I have said it before, but never really got it for myself, was that the Law of Attraction works both ways, both positively and negatively. So, when we are focused on thoughts of what we want to create in our lives, we attract the circumstances and people that help us to do that, in either direction. When we focus on what we don’t want, we get that too. Probably why “they” say, “Be careful what you ask for.”
Anyway, the other thing that was huge that came out of that conversation is something that has been hounding me for years. How “God’s Will” has a direct influence on our lives (and in most cases, it’s a phrase a lot of people use when life is going wrong). The challenge I have had with that is, how does that work with Free Will, which all of us were given? If it is “God’s Will,” then we don’t have Free Will. But we do.
I am personally seeing that the two “Wills” work together in either a positive or a negative way, depending on what our thoughts are. We are actually co-creators with God (or whatever name you choose to call it or not). Which goes back to the Law of Attraction as well becoming part of that. These are just thoughts of mine. You can agree or not, but I’m just thinking about it.
Anyway, the point is the ah-hah moment that came up for me was the following:
First, I realized that this whole thing with “everyone turns their back on me,” which is a belief that I have been carrying around my whole life. I talked about the information I read in my parent’s court paperwork, where my mother, after I was born and still in the hospital in Germany, where she volunteered for the Red Cross, left me and went to check on the other patients. In essence, from the day I was born, my own mother turned her back on me. This is considered a pre-verbal trauma and it went right into my muscle memory and became something that I ran my life from.
As a “result” of that story, I started thinking about how my father and grandmother fought hard for me as a child to “save” me from my mother. My mother probably needed love and support, something which she never received even since she was a child, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I notice in society in general, that when someone does something wrong or deemed “wrong,” there is not support or love, only guilt before being able to prove innocence. Just the other day, on Facebook, I saw a post about a tribe in Africa that actually rectifies the person who behaved poorly by placing him in the center of a circle and allowing them to share what happened and they love that person and help them walk through it. If we did that in our cultures, I feel like a lot would shift.
Anyway, so when I was going through the situation with my children, two of the most important people in my life who raised me, both turned their backs on me when they assumed I was behaving like my mother, who, of course, they did not like or approve of. After all, they fought for me to get me away from her. No circle of love and rectification for me. Apparently, this became a pattern for me.
Then the most recent one was very similar with my former relationship. Now I want to start this out by saying how grateful I am to still have him in my life as a friend and he has helped me through a great deal. This is only being talked about for the similarity of begin fought for and then seeing another back turn. Remember, that was the belief and story that was running me, and I attracted it into my life yet again. How we got together, and our splitting up is just about my thoughts, memories, and perceptions from it. This can’t be about him because it is coming from my perception.
When we first met, he did everything in his power to get into a relationship with me, which, in most cases would be an honor, however, at the time, I wasn’t ready. Something inside of me was screaming no, but I didn’t listen and did it anyway. And of course, that led to a whole slew of growth opportunities and at points, I felt he turned his back on me too, after fighting so hard to “get” me into relationship. I know now that this was definitely my stuff. This, of course, triggered the parts of me that needed to be healed. I had made the decision to go through with it; I take full responsibility for that.
Then, as my considerations went on yesterday, I thought about some other things.
I have always looked like I know what’s going on with things, what I’m doing, I’m smart and am able to get things accomplished. The challenge for me has always been that people place expectations on me based off that, which is on the surface.
For example, when I was in the military and I had just been a 2nd LT for about two months, someone came up to me and started to talk about something that was way above my head. I looked at them funny and told them I had no idea what they were referring to and the response from them was basically that I was a 2nd LT and they thought because of that, I had been trained in it and knew. I was in the Army prior, as an enlisted soldier and then became an officer because of my college degree that I already had. That kind of thing always happened with me.
Anyway, he said, “Wow, you look like you would already know that because you are an LT and you just seem to have a look about you where you know things.” Geez, here we go.
What then began to come up for me was that people place these expectations on me because of what they see, and they never took into consideration that something else might be going on. And not that I expected that they would know to ask, because I was doing the same thing with myself.
You see, I have been working with Complex PTSD for my entire life and when I have an emotional flashback, I go blank, I can’t think, I can’t make a decision, I forget things I know, my anxiety rises to the surface, and I fall right into the hole of the particular emotion that is coming up for me again. I still do that a little, but now I am able to observe it, sit with it and eventually walk through it.
As a result, people in my life didn’t know what to do with me. The particular thing I flashback to is something that overwhelmed me as a child and isn’t resolved in the present. So, my behavior comes out like I am still that little girl at the age it overwhelmed me. That is the work of the inner child. When that happens, that little 5-year-old girl (or whatever age I was when a particular trauma occurred, is being expected to know something that she was never modelled or taught, and she goes into freeze mode in a stress response. I have been dealing with that throughout my life and interestingly, until once last month in a conversation with my former partner and just yesterday, that ah-hah was hidden for me.
What happens next is the other person gets frustrated with me because they don’t know how to help me and when I am fully in it, I don’t know how either or to tell them what I need. I also used to dissociate to protect myself and stay safe. I don’t do that anymore. So, they give up on me eventually and leave.
Wow… that really sucks.
So here is what I have been doing my whole life and didn’t realize until recently, why. When I talk about what’s going on or an emotion that is coming up, for me, I am processing and working through it by talking to release the pressure in my head of the processing. I am a natural processor and when there is too much information in my head, everything gets confusing. If I don’t have an outlet, like in talking it out, I get overwhelmed and anxious. Talking things out is also how I naturally come to conclusions and decisions for myself as well.
I will talk about it “as if” it is bothering me in the present moment, and nothing has changed with the situation or me; but that is far from the truth. However, when others hear that, they think I’m stuck in it and get frustrated with me when they try to give me advice or suggestions and it appears I’m not listening to them or taking it. It’s a very challenging space to be in for all involved.
They try to help more, and they get more frustrated and disgusted at some point, and leave (emotionally first and then physically). It must be an exasperating space to be in for them because I know it has been for me.
Sometimes they think I am projecting my “stuff” onto them and then take that personally and in turn they get triggered. Next, they feel the need to defend themselves to me, which, of course, is triggering to me because I’m sharing my feelings and thoughts and just talking my way through them to release, as what I believe I am saying is not about the other person.
When I get triggered, it cycles through the Complex PTSD flashback again because I go into, “no one loves me, everyone leaves me, no one listens to me, etc.” Then I am back into my little girl again because no one, including me, could see the truth of who I am or why I am doing it. I tried so hard to explain what was happening for me, but no one could understand. I really didn’t understand it myself.
I see that they can’t, don’t or won’t recognize me and see that I’m not who they think I am or behaving how they think I should be, and the flashback cycle begins again. I felt like my head was going to explode and that is when I would dissociate to protect myself because I had no idea what to do.
Someone, yesterday, was able to mirror back to me all of this by listening and letting me talk and I could fully see and grasp what was happening. My entire life, I thought I was a bad person, for myself and based on what others said or behaved with me.
This is how my healing process and the decisions I make in my life work; through talking it out so I can hear myself. I learned this through Human Design, as a Self-Projected Projector. It really cleared things up for me and helped me to get to this point.
What Trauma Does to a Child
What is wrong with me?
Why can’t they see?
I don’t know what’s going on,
Challenged by Complex PTSD.
My inner child was traumatized, and something didn’t link up,
Knowing what trauma does to a child’s brain, the synapses would interrupt,
The part of the brain called the amygdala, which works with our stress response,
Increases in volume from trauma, as a child, and as adults we become ensconced.
The fear that comes up is real, indeed, and can happen to anyone,
Who has suffered trauma as a child, and that part of the brain becomes authoritarian,
It runs their life as an adult and it doesn’t matter how smart or how rich,
That person who experienced trauma as a child, feels as if they are in a ditch.
Protecting themselves from any stress, that gets more difficult, the older they are,
If they do not know how to heal from the trauma, it will leave a lasting scar.
A scar that runs the life they live, and one feels like they can’t find a way out,
It leads to all kinds of things, from many bouts of anxiety, because they continue to recount,
Whatever the trauma that occurred for them, as they lived their life through,
So much pain and loss that did occur, they didn’t know what to do.
What I can say is I have found a way for me to walk through this,
And learn to carry it from many days of experiencing full out distress,
I know that for me, what I worked through, was easier said than done,
Now I see there can be a way out of the from feeling the shun.
I needed to heal so I persisted in that, to do what I needed to do,
To ensure that my life was livable, and others could see too,
That if I can work through this then the opportunity was there,
To begin to heal some of the pain,
And start to work through that trauma and begin to feel whole again