So today is the first day in a long time that I am drawn to sharing a huge shift that I just went through. I have such a deep sense of unconditional love right now; I felt the need to share what happened.
My goal since I started this blog was to share my journey of transformation and healing since April of this year when my life had shifted once again into a space that back then I was in complete and utter fear of loss, being alone and broke.
I have never felt so much peace this morning on this day and here is what happened.
I woke up this morning with a complete feeling of anger, bitterness and annoyance. These feelings were coming up over experiences and relationships that I have had going on for a long time. To feel so dependent on others’ opinions and thoughts of me to the point where I felt I needed to depend fully on them so I wouldn’t lose friendships or other relationships or the love that I thought would come with it.
At the same time, I would run into situations where in my dependence, I would feel helpless, unloved or unimportant, among other things when I would follow through with things I said I would do but the other did not.
That would trigger a deep sense of anger, but I didn’t recognize the anger because it came out in dribbles of the bitterness or annoyance for many years. That is what caught me this morning to look at it because today, it stopped me in my tracks.
I reached out to a friend this morning, who by the way I had these same feelings about, especially the deep-seated anger, and could fully express it to them because I also knew that they could help me through this. That put an extreme amount of guilt and pressure on me because it felt like I was “using” them.
I really needed the wisdom, though, so I am so grateful and happy I reached out. I had to walk through something, and I didn’t know what and they provided me exactly what to do. The suggestion given to me to do was incredibly powerful.
So, I spent about a half hour going through the process they recommended and then once I was finished, I listened to an incredible meditation to help heal the Inner Child.
I have been looking for a way to do my own inner child work, because I do it a certain way for my clients and hadn’t been able to find anything for myself that was similar.
With my clients, I set it up for them where, during the process, I am nurturing, as if I am being the mother they needed, as I’m guiding my client’s inner child. Then I use tools and guidance to assist the adult into following through with action steps, which is more the masculine form I take on to help them empower themselves and move forward.
Today, I found my inner child work!
What I will tell you is that there is no such thing as peace if we aren’t willing to be done with the way things are happening that we don’t like and then we get to make the decision to change what no longer serves us. The proof is in the pudding and this morning’s exercise in full out unconditional self-love proved that to me, hopefully once and for all.
Peace was the result
After all, this is but a journey through the school of life.
Today I chose me,
It didn’t start that way, you see,
I woke up bitter and very annoyed,
And had no idea why I felt destroyed.
I couldn’t figure anything out,
So, I reached out to a friend to get me started with clout,
This clout happened to be a letter,
That I poured all of my emotions out and then felt much better.
You see it was important for me to do,
Because holding deep-seated anger is like a feeling of glue,
Keeping me stuck and in a lot of pain,
And never knowing if or when I would ever be free again.
In this letter I took everyone,
In my life who brought me to feeling undone,
And interestingly it included me,
Because when we self-sabotage, we’re our own worst enemy.
I tried and tried for many years,
Not knowing how to release my anger, except through tears,
You see my sadness covered the anger and shame,
I never knew if or when I would feel sane.
I worked and worked through Complex PTSD,
Becoming addicted to fixing me,
Yet what I came to find, which was much more true,
Was I didn’t need fixing, just needed to love myself through and through.
And here I am on the other side now,
Experiencing something I never thought I would allow,
Myself to go through the feeling of anger,
Without destroying myself with all of that rancor.
I’ve done it! I’ve done it! And yes I am surprised,
To have heard others say they got through it and thrived,
All of the childhood trauma none of us deserved,
When all we wanted was to be loved, seen and heard.
And here I am now loving, seeing and hearing myself,
Standing on my own two feet and being compelled,
To shift my life more powerfully now and here,
Where I can move forward into a new frontier.
The newness of life has shown up as an adventure,
That my inner child and me can take because I surrendered,
Into the darkness where the light is now shining,
And a new breath of fresh air for me to begin designing.
The life that I have always wanted to have,
And feeling it fully, I can see the contrasts,
Sometimes the darkness must be there,
So, we can shine the light into ourselves and then declare.
Here I am, no matter what anyone thinks,
Trusting others’ opinions of me, really stinks,
No longer happening, I am happy to be,
Living my life and feeling free!