Deep, deep dive

Into the fear of the darkness of my soul

 

Finding what I hate about myself

The longing for love from others

The lack of love from me

 

Moving around in there

I can’t see anything, because it’s dark

I can feel a deep loathing, more pain surfaces

 

The losses, oh the losses

From death and vindictiveness…

Life dies

 

I have my own faults in this

I know this, I did not understand

Nor during my life did I really know what I was doing

I still take responsibility

 

Jesus said, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”

That included me too

 

Walking through the pain, sitting with it

Bringing it to the surface

 

Like the painting The Screamer, by Vincent Van Gogh

It is inside all of us

 

This pain, is not who we are but it is deeply felt in those screams

When no one hears us or sees us, and we just want to be loved

 

We feel like we can never be good enough and that is felt deeply

Our inner little boys and girls

They did not know

They did not understand

They were told lies that we believed and lived our lives through those lies

 

The truth is in there

Sitting with this

Allowing this

The music in me died long ago

It was resurrected and then died again

I know when I let go I will either get it back in different form

 

There is a counterintuitive way of walking through this

Letting go of everything will fill those holes

We are not taught the ways of letting go

It’s too scary

Letting go means being alone

Learning to be alone is ok because I am finding I am truly never alone

 

Finding the way to do so

Feeling the bitterness I have from my actions and days gone by

And the disgust with myself, letting myself be disgusted with what comes up

 

From self-sabotaging myself throughout my life

By turning all of that anger inward

 

My little girl didn’t deserve it

And now I find myself feeling all of this anger

Rising to the surface

Wanting to scream

And know that when I do allow myself to let all of it go

There is silence

And silence is peace.