I did exactly what I was told to do,
To make my life lived for you,
It did not matter how I felt,
I kept up with the cards I had been dealt.
You see it began with my mother back then,
Who I have since forgiven because that was when,
My anger set me free to see her with love,
The shifts in my life then really happened because;
I knew there was someone else inside her,
That hated herself and continued to be an arguer,
That screamed for love and could not find,
Who she really was that it put her heart in a bind.
Constantly looking outside for love,
Because she didn’t feel it and asked the angels above,
“Why me? Why me? What did I do?”
She tried and tried and could not break through.
The reason being is because she didn’t know,
She had the key to forego,
The fears she had throughout her life,
That bled out into me and caused my strife.
Funny thing, the shame wasn’t mine,
But I carried it anyway because that is the design,
I walked through life thinking I was the same,
As my mother who continued to hate herself and blame;
everyone else for the way she felt,
because of the cards that she was dealt,
You see my mother hated herself so much,
That she happened to make me her expedient crutch.
Constantly saying, “Why don’t you call to tell me you love me?
Then adding a line about her checking on her health to guarantee,
But the last line was the key to me feeling not good enough,
My own mother couldn’t love me, it was always about her stuff.
And so, I decided to make sure others were ok,
And began to put myself away,
But I was only four, why would she do that?
She looked for connection and love from me because of her past.
You see when she was just a girl,
she experienced extreme trauma in the world,
The Nazis and SS took their money and all things material,
And forced them out of their home to escape to Israel.
She saw things and learned things about this warring place,
That made her feel like she was a disgrace,
So, the last line she said to me was about this fact,
She said, “After all I bore you.” So, you owe me back.
What that did to me was throughout my life,
Made me feel like I owe the world, and despite,
Everything I thought or tried to do,
Continued to not be good enough in everyone else’s view.
So, I chose a very important thing,
I decided to forgive myself for not knowing what I bring,
Subconsciously to that table because that’s all I knew,
It wasn’t my inner little girl’s fault for being made to pursue;
Making sure other people were ok,
And throwing her own self in the way,
Of that on coming train because she didn’t understand,
That it came from her mother, and she was holding the strand.
This strand that kept her in lock step,
With the feelings her mother carried that she felt she had to accept,
Yet on that day that she forgave herself,
She considered what to do about her mother as well.
The other thing that helped her through,
The anger she felt for being left behind by her and feeling untrue,
To her mother that couldn’t see what this girl,
Was feeling inside and just wanted to hurl;
Every word she could think of to hurt that woman,
But she kept it stuffed inside because she had to be good, and,
She just couldn’t take it anymore,
That her first step before forgiveness was to even the score.
Yet she didn’t do it in such a way,
That she would hurt her mother and delay,
What she had dreamed would happen her entire life through,
That she would connect with her mother at her deathbed and so her mother could renew;
Or at least feel the love that she had lost,
When she was just a girl and life had cost,
Her incredible amounts of undue pain,
And I needed to forgive her by seeing her little girl again.
Her little girl didn’t deserve what happened,
And it was really hard for me to imagine,
Just what she really experienced,
So, I could forgive her, it was all so mysterious.
To foresee how all of this would turn out,
And believe me I had plenty of doubt,
But I did it anyway because I needed to,
Walk through my pain and let the anger come unglued.
That anger was so deep, and I was never allowed,
To let it out so I avowed,
That I would break this really awful pattern,
That has gone on for generations and really shattered.
The hearts of everyone in the family,
Those hearts were broken all the way down to me,
It was really crucial that I healed and changed the tune,
Of the generations of trauma that completely ruined,
How I saw life and then passed it on,
Like we do when we don’t know the words to the song.
The song of the music we have deep inside,
The music we run from when we feel we need to hide,
From a world that doesn’t know who we are,
And until we recognize that about ourselves, we sit in the bar.
We drink ourselves into oblivion,
Because we were never taught how to go within,
To that place inside that isn’t as scary as we think,
To sit with ourselves instead of taking a drink.
That self, deep inside is what brought me to,
A connection with mother before she withdrew,
In her last years on this earth, as she sat all alone,
In a bed so far away, in the hospice that was her home.
So, a year before she died peacefully in her sleep,
I sent her a recording of me saying this thing,
“I forgive you and know that you did the best you could,”
And then sang a song to hopefully help her feel good.
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey,
you’ll never know dear how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away,”
Then I could see in my mind’s eye,
Her Mona Lisa smile before she died.
Because you see I found out from the Chaplain that cared,
So much about me and so much about her,
That she did what she could to help my mother leave, just like me,
With as much peace as was possible for her to be free.